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Feb. 9th, 2012 | 08:32 pm
mood: weird weird
music: If I Was Your Vampire - Marilyn Manson

i feel extremely depressed tonight. it's... painful. i wish i was a better, less selfish, cold hearted person. empathy is extremely hard to come by tonight. lately i haven't been caring if my friends are happy or sad or anything. i told my mom and she said, "well you are bipolar, it is an egocentric disease." and for some reason, that hurt more than you can possibly imagine. i laughed it off, but it's bothered me all day. my chest aches. my heart is heavy. i'm picking at my skin in my sleep again. the urge to cut is back and strong as ever. i feel like i'm drowning under all i've become and the expectations people have developed. people seem to think i'm this sweet, caring girl, but in truth i'm nothing more than another cold hearted anon. i wish to change but lack the motivation. i'd love to be thinner, prettier, to take better care of myself, but i can't bring myself to look in the mirror most days. i hate my face, my eyes, my lips, my body, my hands, legs, arms, feet. i feel the slow return of apathy and dread what the summer has to bring. free time is not my friend. i am not my friend. i am well and truly alone. i'm well aware that my boyfriend loves me, cares for me, but i worry that i'll let him down, just like i've let everyone else down. my life has been nothing but a very large disappointment.

my father, i think, was the first person i truly disappointed. you see, my entire life he's been hard on me. pushed me to like what he likes. pushed me into being a tomboy. pushed me into video games, computers, math. and when i couldn't excel in what he wanted me to excel in, i was stupid, lazy, careless, worthless, a bitch. i should just shut up. occasionally, when i was a large enough disappointment, he'd hit me. push me so hard i'd fall down and then scream in my face to get up. the stress was constant. there was never a moment where i wasn't thinking about how i'd be punished later. i was homeschooled till sophomore year started. i was always at home. once upon a time, i loved that man. i wanted to be good at computers and video games. i was thrilled when people said i looked like my father. but that changed. i feel no love for him at all, i hate when my mother or my sisters say i look like him. i wish i could be like most kids and actually like my father.

this has carried over into all my romantic relationships, i look for men who tell me what to do. i have a hard time getting close to people, i don't trust most people. i'm terrified i'll end up disappointing them like i disappointed my father. i wonder if i had been a boy, would my life have been any different? i can't let people too close, can't let them see the real me, for if they did, they would leave. no one would like me without my mask. one of the only people i let close to me betrayed me. i hate her. she was my best friend. she loved me, or so she said. she never really loved me, if she did, she wouldn't have done those things to me. it's not fair. every fucking time i let someone get close, they show me yet another reason not to let them close.

i'm sick of being constantly on the verge of cutting. i hate myself and what i've become. why can't i be better?

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Comments {1}

eatyourwordsnow

From: eatyourwordsnow
Date: Feb. 14th, 2012 05:43 pm (UTC)
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i'm trying so hard, but sometimes it just feels like i'm drowning. i try to forgive, but so many people won't let things go and just keep bringing them up over and over again. i'll explain something, and they'll keep asking over and over and over and it's exhausting. i'm worried about telling my boyfriend because he has so much of his own stuff to worry about.

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