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(no subject)

Feb. 20th, 2012 | 06:44 pm

i drowned. it's over. i feel so numb. 

(no subject)

Feb. 15th, 2012 | 02:38 pm
location: school
mood: cold cold
music: smack that - akon

so i'm having a late valentines day picnic with my boyfriend on friday. :) i'm making him a flash drive full of cute stuff, too. i'm not sure if that's too geeky or not, but i think it's cute. xD i'm not sure what kind of food to pack, anyone have any ideas? i'm kinda broke so cheap/easy stuff is a plus. <3

(no subject)

Feb. 9th, 2012 | 08:32 pm
mood: weird weird
music: If I Was Your Vampire - Marilyn Manson

i feel extremely depressed tonight. it's... painful. i wish i was a better, less selfish, cold hearted person. empathy is extremely hard to come by tonight. lately i haven't been caring if my friends are happy or sad or anything. i told my mom and she said, "well you are bipolar, it is an egocentric disease." and for some reason, that hurt more than you can possibly imagine. i laughed it off, but it's bothered me all day. my chest aches. my heart is heavy. i'm picking at my skin in my sleep again. the urge to cut is back and strong as ever. i feel like i'm drowning under all i've become and the expectations people have developed. people seem to think i'm this sweet, caring girl, but in truth i'm nothing more than another cold hearted anon. i wish to change but lack the motivation. i'd love to be thinner, prettier, to take better care of myself, but i can't bring myself to look in the mirror most days. i hate my face, my eyes, my lips, my body, my hands, legs, arms, feet. i feel the slow return of apathy and dread what the summer has to bring. free time is not my friend. i am not my friend. i am well and truly alone. i'm well aware that my boyfriend loves me, cares for me, but i worry that i'll let him down, just like i've let everyone else down. my life has been nothing but a very large disappointment.

my father, i think, was the first person i truly disappointed. you see, my entire life he's been hard on me. pushed me to like what he likes. pushed me into being a tomboy. pushed me into video games, computers, math. and when i couldn't excel in what he wanted me to excel in, i was stupid, lazy, careless, worthless, a bitch. i should just shut up. occasionally, when i was a large enough disappointment, he'd hit me. push me so hard i'd fall down and then scream in my face to get up. the stress was constant. there was never a moment where i wasn't thinking about how i'd be punished later. i was homeschooled till sophomore year started. i was always at home. once upon a time, i loved that man. i wanted to be good at computers and video games. i was thrilled when people said i looked like my father. but that changed. i feel no love for him at all, i hate when my mother or my sisters say i look like him. i wish i could be like most kids and actually like my father.

this has carried over into all my romantic relationships, i look for men who tell me what to do. i have a hard time getting close to people, i don't trust most people. i'm terrified i'll end up disappointing them like i disappointed my father. i wonder if i had been a boy, would my life have been any different? i can't let people too close, can't let them see the real me, for if they did, they would leave. no one would like me without my mask. one of the only people i let close to me betrayed me. i hate her. she was my best friend. she loved me, or so she said. she never really loved me, if she did, she wouldn't have done those things to me. it's not fair. every fucking time i let someone get close, they show me yet another reason not to let them close.

i'm sick of being constantly on the verge of cutting. i hate myself and what i've become. why can't i be better?

sometimes it feels like nobody actually gives a shit.

Jan. 31st, 2012 | 02:10 pm

yeah. so. fuck the world.


Jan. 26th, 2012 | 06:46 am
mood: sleepy sleepy

sooooo i haven't posted for a while. not a lot is new, really. my boyfriend and i reached our seventh month!!!! OVER HALF A YEAR!!! xD i'm so happy. it feels like it's been so much longer!!! ^~^

school has been so incredibly boring lately. i hate all my classes right now. i'm currently taking AIMS math prep, algebra 3/4, english 9B, and geography. >.< oh and i'm taking college psychology, which i'm actually enjoying. it's pretty interesting and it's really short compared to my other classes. they're all ninety minutes long, and psychology is only fifty minutes long, plus the walk to and from the college campus. i guess i should explain about my school situation. i go to a high school on a college campus, but there's two campuses, the main one, where my psychology class is, and the smaller one, where my high school is. my high school is teeny, there's less than a hundred students, and we have three classrooms and a computer lab. it's ridiculous, but i love it there.

my mom kinda ditched me from today till sunday. xD she's going to visit a friend in vermont, and i hope she has fun. i only found out last night and she left this morning!!! i was really, really surprised. demure (my boyfriend) and i were cuddling and i got a text from my mom asking if i could find somewhere to stay for a few days, heh. she's usually not this impulsive, but i suppose love makes her a little crazy. but... i'm happy for her. she really deserves someone normal who loves her. her last girlfriend was a total bitch and was really nasty to her. even in front of my sisters and i.

i'm currently talking to my boyfriend and he's PASSING OUT at the computer, hehe poor thing. but he doesn't wanna leave me alone. he's really sweet. he's all excited about valentines day and so i am i. last year was the first year i'd had a boyfriend during valentines day and he did a horrible job. i made him a card and got him a tiny stuffed dragon and he didn't even send me a text saying happy valentines day. >.< he was such a jerk... i don't know why i stayed with him for so long. i really regret that. BUT!!! this valentines day will be different. it will be special, dammit. xD it's my boyfriends first valentines day having someone and i wanna make it really special for him. :) i like doing things for him, i'm just not sure what to do yet! obviously i'll make him a super pretty card, and i'll get him something. but i dunno if he'd want candy or...? anyone have any super sweet ideas? ^~^ i'm always open to suggestion!!!

EDIT! it's really super early, so this entry doesn't flow very well. xD sorry!!!

SECOND EDIT!!! i got my learners permit, finally. been practicing driving. it's lots of fun and my permit picture doesn't look awful, i was really surprised. ^~^

(no subject)

Jan. 2nd, 2012 | 05:23 pm
mood: numb numb
music: aloha from hell - i'm falling

so, tomorrow is the first day of school after winter break. i don't feel like going back. :/ school just isn't as fun as it was last year. but last year also got me into a lot of trouble. tomorrow i'm also gonna go get my learners permit. (finally) so i can learn to drive! :) i have a free car as soon as my mom's friend gets a new one, so that's all good. only thing is, it's a stick shift, so i'll have to learn to drive that. i'm kinda nervous, but hey, it's a free freaking car. 

i feel... kinda numb right now. not really sure why. i have this empty, nervous feeling in my stomach. i think i'll go take a warm bath or something later. lately i've been feeling off. my new meds make me not want to eat, or sleep very much, but i'm so tired today. it's ridiculous. i took a nap earlier and then i fell asleep on the couch again later on for a couple hours. 

i miss my boyfriend. he got me a giant stuffed puppy for christmas. :) it's so cute and fluffy. i named it tacos. i saw my boyfriend a lot the past couple of weeks. but i still miss him a lot. i sleep better when i'm with him and i feel happy and safe with him.

(no subject)

Dec. 31st, 2011 | 12:44 am

hey, you all. between august of last year, and may of this year, i've done a lot of things. had a lot of firsts and a lot of lasts. there are so many things i wish i could take back, and i regret so many things, but what i've learned from them is going to hey, you all. between august of last year, and may of this year, i've done a lot of things. had a lot of firsts and a lot of lasts. there are so many things i wish i could take back, and i regret so many things, but what i've learned from them is going to help me to never make the same mistakes again. my life has changed in such drastic ways. i learned it isn't okay to pretend to be happy when i'm really not. it just hurts people on the long run. i've learned relationships are not something to be taken lightly. i've learned that even if someone says they love you, they can be lying. i've learned that being grounded isn't the end of the world, but time to think about what you did wrong. i learned that you can find something you never thought you'd find. (love) i learned that sometimes people who say they're your friend will fucking stab you in the back. but i learned that it's possible to forgive and to move on. i learned who my true friends are, and i found an amazingly sweet, awesome boyfriend. i think that it's a pretty fair trade. after all that shit, i still found someone i love and trust soo much. :)

regrets and true love

Dec. 25th, 2011 | 02:41 am

i have a lot of regrets about the last year. i did a lot of things that i really wish i hadn't done. i wish i hadn't dated anyone, and i wish i still had my virginity. i want more than anything to be able to give that to my boyfriend, who gave me his first everything. i know i don't deserve him, and it kills me inside. but i count myself lucky to be with him. he says he wants to spend forever with me, and i want to spend forever with him.

i lied to him tonight. for the first time. about something so stupid i can't even... UGH! i'm so retarded. sometimes i hate myself. sometimes i wish that i could rewind time and take things back. i wish i thought before i acted, or spoke. my new years resolution is to be the best girlfriend i can possibly be. to be sweeter to my amazing boyfriend. to post cute things on his wall. to never, EVER lie to him again, because that was fucked up and wrong. to marry him, because he's all i want, and all i need.

oh, did i mention he asked me to marry him? he proposed with glow in the dark stars pasted to his wall. it was the sweetest thing ever. he makes me so, so happy i can't even believe it.

i hurt him. i want to hurt myself as some sort of redemption. eye for an eye. but i promised him i won't hurt myself anymore. i love him so much. I LOVE HIM.

sex and depression

Oct. 18th, 2011 | 01:06 pm

been mega depressed since my grandma died. the only thing really cheering me up is my boyfriend. he doesn't try to make me talk about it, he just tries to make me smile. which is nice. most everyone else either doesn't give a shit, or cares too much and wants to make me talk about it. D:< it fucking pisses me off. it's like "fucking cunts I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!" AND my other grandma is coming into town on the 26th and it's making me feel fucking guilty. :(

cut for gratuitus sexCollapse )

(no subject)

Oct. 11th, 2011 | 08:10 pm

i feel so very emo right now. wanted to cut so very badly. wanted the sting of the blade and the opening of my veins and the spilling of blood. but i didn't. because i promised him. anyway. ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE